The I In Me...

Set Fire to the RAI?

2012-01-31T13:47:00.001+08:00

The introduction:

It was better this second time around. I knew what to expect. 'All' I had to do was walk in there, and take that drink, and...flee. The only thing was that, that 'drink' wasn't anything close to what you could order out of a menu. Heck it wasn't anything you would want to order out of anything anywhere!

I for one, didn't ask for it. In fact I tried to tip-toe my way around it so I could just...do without. I failed. Request denied.

So there I was again, at Nuclear Department, HUKM. And I guess, by 'Nuclear' it has to be way down the hall, where the only feet that pass by it, are the chosen ones.

It is ironic really. What's poison to you, is a cure for me. And drinking that...that RadioActive Iodine (RAI) bomb, should, by all means, heal me.

The situation:

I have hyperthyroidism. It's been awhile. I was on Carbimazole and Propanolol for 2 years before they talked me into doing RAI. Reluctantly I did.

That first experience sent me praying that I wouldn't have to ever repeat it. But again, for reasons I knew not, my wishes were not granted. So I was nudged into doing it the second time.

The procedure:

After a 30-minute consultation with a handsome-I-think-we-could-be-real-good-friends doctor, I was brought to a room and seated on a chair, facing an empty table. There was a white sheet of paper covering the table and a paper cup filled with water. I wasn't supposed to touch anything.

The attendant or the nuclear guy or whomever he's rightfully known as was as covered as the table, only of course, not in white papers. He had his 'apron' on, face mask, gloves and a spatula to handle everything with, including me.

Attached to the table, at the other end, was a metal stand, wide enough for him to stand behind, shielding him from direct exposure to the radioactive liquid as he reached around it, 'serving' me the RAI. Yes, the RAI that I was about to drink from a straw that I wasn't still, supposed to touch.

He had brought in what looked like a metal bottle, with my name on it. Using the spatula, he opened the lid, took out another glass bottle from inside it, showed me the content, and explained to me what to do.

- Use the straw, finish my drink.

- I can touch the metal bottle, never the straw.

- If I feel like throwing up, quickly drink the water from the paper cup, as much as I need to. It's just plain water.

- Once I've drunk up all the content, he'll flush the glass bottle with water and I have to finish that too.

- The 'flushes' repeat 3 times.

- After all is gone and done, leave.

And so I did.

The taste? Try sipping on a glass of water from your fish tank, that hasn't been cleaned for 2 months.

The post-treatment:

- I am not supposed to be in close contact with anyone especially kids under 12, expecting mothers, and the elderly. With you, well...not in less than 2 meters away for more than 2 hours straight.

- No sharing of anything, food, clothes, beds, pinggan mangkuk etc. i.e. life?

- After doing my business in the little girls room, flush 3 times.

- Sitting down on couch watching tv? Sure. Lay a blanket on it first. The couch I mean.

The first time going through this, I found it to be a sad, lonely treatment. It still is.

Only I have gotten better at it. I think. :)

p/s: I write this not just so I won,t forget. But hopefully, maybe, as a reference for those who are going through the same situation. I had found many versions of dos and don'ts prior to my treatment. Some turned out to be helpful, some scary. So if you happen to have questions, do ask away. :)

Long Enough.

2011-10-17T15:42:00.002+08:00

Sometimes she wishes her anger would linger
Long enough to hurt the one who hurt her.

Just Be.

2011-09-30T22:48:00.000+08:00

For the love of love

I'm hanging on.

To whatever that's left

I try.

With everything I've got

I am.

But I slip sometimes.

This grip gets loose,

This hand gets tired.

But just leave me be.

Let me be me.

Of Hearts.

2011-09-30T16:48:00.004+08:00

A friend told me that I change my mind often. Well actually, what she meant was, I change my mind wayyyy too often.

I told her she's right.

And I haven't changed my mind since.


I wanted a brownie. I ordered an Espresso cake.			I didn't like it.

It Ain't Business.

2011-09-29T09:34:00.002+08:00

A guy requested to be my Facebook friend the other day. There were no messages, no introduction, but because I thought the name looked familiar, I accepted the request.

It turns out that I never knew him at all. We may have one insignificant mutual friend but we'd never actually crossed paths. What I thought I knew about him, or where I thought he came from is not at all correct. But as much as I don't know him, I do think I know the kind.

He is one of those kinds who like to see big numbers on his Friends List. It doesn't matter if he hasn't met these friends for many many years, in fact it doesn't matter if he hasn't met them at all.

We make new friends sure we do, but making new friends comes with endless questions you may get tired of answering, but this guy is contented knowing I've added a digit to his list. And that's all.

I've passed that age and stage where I get excited making 'friends' with total strangers. So Mr.-I-Don't-Want-to-Know-You, I'm removing you from list.

No it's nothing business, it's personal.

And So I Did.

2011-09-27T19:00:00.001+08:00

She looked nothing like Ummi in that hospital bed. Not her long hair. Not her curly lashes. But every single difference, reminded me of her.

I didn't see it coming.

I should have. Because when her grip on my hands felt like Ummi's, ... and the look in her eyes cut through me like Ummi's ... I couldn't breathe.

Praying that it would hide me enough ... I looked away. But something filled my chest I had to get out of there. And run.

But as far as I wished my feet would take me, I could feel the memories flushing right through my veins ... one by one.

All at once.

Go ahead take over me. Go ahead make me cry.

And so I did Mi.

Like there was no one watching.

Like you just died all over again.

It's time.

2011-09-20T20:10:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I just don't have anything kind to say. Not to you, not even to myself. On any given days I'd sit myself down breathing in deep, asking myself how I should best feel, and what I should best say. But today, I just choose not to care and my not caring means, my not saying anything. At all.

I don't feel like making you feel better about yourself or less guilty of something I quietly blame you for. I don't feel like reconsidering whether or not I should even blame you in the first place! I don't care about making myself sound like I have everything under control and that all is well, deep down or on the surface. I don't feel like looking up for anything soothing and wise from any books just so I can make myself believe that I, in all of my beings, am not alone.

Sometimes, I just don't have anything kind to say. And today... is that time.

Underneath Pokok Kari.

2011-07-31T13:47:00.010+08:00

Deciding that I needed some curry leaves for my Nasi Goreng Cincai back at my family home this morning, I stepped out into Ummi's little herb corner just outside our kitchen door. For some reason, we don't use that door much these days ever since Ummi's passing. Well, pardon me...but before I go off-track and start everything with "Ever since Ummi's passing..." let me just stick to what I really came here for.

I opened the door, slipped into an old pair of selipar Jepun, and walked straight to where Ummi's pokok kari is. Just then I realized that out of nowhere, reaching out for the leaves...I was but smiling!

There was this... faint, can't-put-my-finger-on but... vividly fresh, morning breeze of some sort, greeting me like I was an Alice in Wonderland! And I kept on inhaling more of that breeze, thinking two things. One, I hoped nobody saw me. Two, I wouldn't get this from my own back door . My back door leads me to no herb corner. In fact, my back door doesn't even lead me out!

Perhaps it was the pokok kari. Perhaps it was the memory of Ummi.

Whatever it was, when I realized that there were more of those pokok kari and it's anak-anak peaking out from the grass and the dried leaves around it, I took it as a sign.

Silly I know.

It doesn't matter what sign I took it as. No, not to you.

This morning, as I decided to get some curry leaves from Ummi's little herb corner, I let myself be spoken to.

And all the way back to KL later, without saying a word, I felt like I have told Ummi everything I wanted to...

What Was.

2011-07-28T14:52:00.002+08:00

After all the time that's gone I almost started writing this wanting to pour my bleeding heart out, blaming this and hating that. I stopped myself.

I wish I could stop the way I feel, but maybe not writing about it is stopping it enough for now. Or is there such a thing?

I'm shifting focus. I need to get up and run. Leaving or going, it doesn't matter. I'm moving on.

What better choices do I have?

I'll be back tomorrow, love ... and greet you better.

Write Back.

2011-07-27T16:19:00.003+08:00

I have long left this space, for reasons I don't really have. And here I am reading back and looking back.

Where have I been?

Strange Us.

2011-03-15T19:06:00.004+08:00

I was in Perth when I lost my phone once. I heedlessly left it lying on a bench, at a park. Looking for it was no use, cursing myself made it worse.

That was it I thought. Gone.

But it wasn't. Before the night ended, I got my phone back. A man had found it, made a few calls and to cut the story short, found me. "I can imagine all the troubles you have to go through without it" he said.

I never had faith in strangers. But maybe I shouldn't have said Never.

Today a friend of mine left her phone by accident at a Celcom payment kiosk nearby her office. A man must have found it.

And took it home.

There, Where You're Not.

2010-09-06T05:40:00.003+08:00

Ramadhan this year, I realize that I haven't been counting the days like I normally did. Perhaps it would have been obvious why, had I really wanted to know. But all I've allowed myself to think was that maybe the days just went easier. Fasting is easier. Or thinking that, is easier.

But as it's ending, I am realizing that it has all been nothing but a safe pretense.

Because the truth is, I just drag where the end would take me to.

More of Less.

2010-05-06T11:58:00.006+08:00

For awhile there I just lost it.

No. 'It' is an understatement.

I lost them. For while. I guess.

The excitement, the curiosity, the thrill, the wanting, I lost them all. Nothing seemed to have awoken me up from my state of lossfullness, if there was such a thing. Well, not that I waited to be woken up anyhow. I didn't mind.

But the thing is, not only I didn't mind, I didn't care either.

And this return from the loss, if you will, is out of an unnecessary obligation that I am back to feeling. Like owing an explanation. Like answering a question, un-asked.

Weird though, it was when I lost them all, that I was found. Like it was a complete totality on the opposite side of my lost world. Like it was an either-or more than a neither-nor.

Obviously, though not quite apparent, I am back not to make more sense, but less.

Hehe...I haven't changed much have I?

Sick Sense.

2010-02-11T07:26:00.004+08:00

I thought I wanted to write the most this month. It's the month to be, it's the month of me, whatever. I wanted to write last week, I wanted to write that day, I wanted to write 5 days after that day, heck I wanted to write every other day.

But the fact that I haven't done anything that I wanted to do on the days that I wanted to do what I wanted, is making me somewhat uncertain today, now that I'm doing it.

I'm not making any sense.

Ah well...has anything ever?

A Change in Return.

2010-02-02T07:25:00.006+08:00

My bill was RM5.80 for my lunch yesterday and upon reaching the counter I handed the cashier RM10 note. She gave me RM4.80 for my change.

At first without thinking, I said my thank you and walked away.

But three steps later, re-counting the four 20 cents coins in my hand, re-calculating the change in my head, I stopped. As natural as it might have been, I returned to the cashier and handed her the extra 60 cents. She was first confused, then blushed then thankful. I assumed.

As I walked back to my car, I got into thinking.

I wondered what new car, an extra 60 cents could have bought me...

The Man in My Rear Mirror

2010-01-31T09:52:00.004+08:00

I'm assuming he was sending her to a nursery, on his way to work. Clean shaven, waxed hair, pressed shirt, a matching tie. I'm sure he had his pants on somewhere behind the dashboard.

And she looked just as clean, standing on the passenger seat with the belt on. Her locks tucked behind her ears still shining from her early morning bath, a dress and a matching smile. And a glow.

And a halo.

She was probably around 4. And she was saying something. I didn't have to make out what it was, there was no need. Whatever it was they were sharing seemed seriously insignificant compared to what I was quietly stealing from them.

Just as the light turned green again, I caught a smile escaping his straight face...slowly into a grin, then into little giggles that relaxed his entire face so much so that his eyes turned into nothing but a smitten blush. Like he was released from all pretenses.

Like he was falling in love all over again.

I almost made a u-turn home that morning.

My day was made.

Chipped.

2010-01-30T11:49:00.004+08:00

There's a chipped coffee mug that I left hanging with the rest of it's set on the kitchen counter. It's really been awhile now.

I know I could hold it up high in the air and let it drop and see it shatter just to satisfy my guilt for even contemplating on disposing it. Maybe then I can ease myself into believing that it is indeed, time to let go. Or I could dump it in the bin, as simple as that. Wrapped or as is, why should it matter.

But for now, for some reason I'm letting it be. I wouldn't serve it to my guests, no that would be ghastly. But chipped or whole, it as if belongs there...still.

Perhaps the chipped mug hasn't harmed me that's why. It's flawed only itself. The set is still whole.

Maybe one day I will get rid of it. Before I forget it's chipped.

Before I forget it can hurt.

All I Have To Do Is Clean, Clean, Clean.

2010-01-28T09:43:00.004+08:00

I had come to a conclusion a long time ago that I love cleaning my house. It isn't cleaned all the time, nor is it clean all the time, it all depends.

I'm like the Monica of Friends, only a little less compulsive - I hope. My party starts when yours is over. You're in your glitters and gowns, I'm in my apron and gloves, vacuuming and scrubbing like a true Cinderella wannabe.

And with all the dirt and dust and stains removed, so would the clutters in my head. That's how clean I clean.

Now, who said "A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind" again?

Until Then.

2010-01-26T20:40:00.005+08:00

I've not let myself think of you for awhile now. After all the time that's passed, I don't think I'm ready. In fact I think I am even more not ready today than back then when I didn't have time to sit myself to think because I just sat and felt. No thoughts. No figuring out. And now when I'm left with all the time in the world to sink it in, I don't want it anymore.

But you're everywhere. Even when I'm not thinking of you, I am thinking of you. Even when I can't see you I see you. Even when I can't hear you, I do. Still, forgive me, I keep looking away. I don't wanna feel you.

For the time being, please let me be. Until I'm ready.

Until I can let you, see me.

How Would You Like Your Heart?

2010-01-26T07:32:00.006+08:00

If your heart were attached onto your chest like Ramlah Ram's outfit - now I know you know what I'm talking about so shushh! - what would yours look like? Forget about the bloody pumping organ that's supposed to be as fit as your fist, that one's ugly.

And you can't hide it, you can't change it, you can't take it off. It's just that it's there now right before you, so tell me...how does it look like?

Whole? Glowing? Broken in two? Shattered? Masked? Heavy? Twinkling? Smiling?

I'm just saying, that whomever came up with the love shape, was lucky. But I'm wondering, why God wants it invisible...in reality.

How Would You Like Your Eggs?

2010-01-24T20:43:00.010+08:00

Do you know what kind of eggs you like? Sunny side-up, scrambled, omelette, soft boiled, hard boiled, poached? Do you know why you like it the way you like it? Does your favourite egg change over time? Scrambled, two years ago, poached lately? Or does it change over whom you're with at the time? Or does it even matter?

Richard Gere bugged me to decide on the eggs and so I have. He was with Julia Robert at the time and though Julia and I share very little in common, he was right about us both.

I can't remember what kind of eggs Julia likes but I do know that after a few eggs broken, she too has made up her mind.

I believe it's crucial that one knows which eggs one likes and why one likes them the way one likes them simply because life is full of uncertainties and knowing one's eggs lessens one. If one can't decide, perhaps one should avoid them altogether because one may potentially like every single one of them and that's hazardous.

Go on now, be certain. Be very certain.

The Episodes...Cont. 1

2010-01-03T09:40:00.004+08:00

Until one day, my non-stop diarrhea landed me on a real doctor. She was my fifth hope at finding out if something was indeed wrong, and I was somewhat, right. The first four though, managed to tell me what they thought I wanted to hear.

"Ohhh...semua tu biasa tu, tak de ape-ape."

Bravo?

The real doctor told me that I was bugged by this little thingy called thyroid. Trivial. I was sure I'd heard it before. But as if I was immortal, she told me it isn't fatal. Ah well... . She then referred me to a hospital and the hospital referred me to drugs.

Describing my condition, I wish they had used the term flying colors more often but they kept overusing sky high instead. But then again, what did I expect? I had hyperthyroid, not a spelling bee.

I can't pretend that I wasn't enjoying the constant weight loss and the freedom to devour everything in sight that may look edible, but.

When after two years they told me that the drugs were not doing me any good, I felt...sick.

They told me that I had to go to the next level. Since it had been two years and nothing did change, my heart could simply get tired from the palpitations...and stop beating.

Stop beating?

I felt like for awhile, it already did.

The Episodes.

2009-12-31T08:26:00.002+08:00

A little over three years ago I had a little too much on me, to love. I have no idea how that happened (well, maybe a little) but it did. Then a little after a year later I started shrinking, literally. And I mean, really.

I amused myself thinking that the pool at Ngah's house shredded my fat to pieces but after a while more, I got nervously curious. Was my congkang-kelalak swimming style really that magical? Or was there something spookier that was eating me alive?

And so I enjoyed losing weight a little lesser by the kilos. Because with those shed-off pain, I gained a few other pouts my head (plus 3 other doctors' supposedly-smart head) couldn't explain.

I was hungry all the time, so I ate all the time. Though I ate all the time, I kept losing weight all that time. (Heaven though kan? :))

My nights were frustratingly sleepless, at times I felt like crying. At other times I felt like chewing on pills.

Oh I couldn't stand heat! And by heat I mean 16 degrees C. I felt panas temperature-ly and my hati was panas aggravatingly so easily!

But weirdly so, I shivered. My whole body. My back, my bones, my voice. I quivered so frenziedly that it shook my heart. My resting heartbeat was 130/minute. Even when I was sleeping I was running...

...and now I gotta run to class...hehe.

To be continued...

Making Ummi's Day.

2009-12-19T08:25:00.003+08:00

It's Ummi's birthday tomorrow. She would have been 61. But because life has decided that it was time for her to rest, it took her back before she got to live that number. If it had been an open discussion when that decision was made, we would have screamed a big painful No! I tell you. But I guess such is life. And such is loss.

So if she was around she'd get wishes and kisses from her husband of 38 years, her 8 over-protective children and 4+2 adoring grander children. She'd get cakes but she'd be the last one to even get close to the candles because she'd let the 4+2 monchies take turn blowing them and that, would be her kind of celebration.

She'd get presents but unless we insist that she opens them herself, she'd distribute them to each of her little screamers to unwrap. And if the gifts were something she could put on, she would put them on the very second they touch her hands.

And she may have tears in her eyes but we'd all pretend not to see it.

And she would talk about it for days, to everyone else who wasn't there to share it.

Happy birthday tomorrow Mi!

Tiat Not Broken, Hati Not Healed.

2009-12-10T18:00:00.008+08:00

Unlike this 'Matt and Miss Tepung' whom I know pretty well (you know who you are hehe...), I don't really go for pizza. Yumm all you want but neither the tepung nor it's sticky springy meleleh cheese can make me drool.

The soul reason why I'd still give it a go from time to time however, is because where I'm at, I don't have to GO and get it. It comes to me when I call. So you can say that the convenience, is even more menyelerakan than the makanan.

Anyway, there was this one blue day when I actually needed to be somewhere else but I went ahead and made that fatful call first before leaving. I shouldn't have. But I did.

I had too much faith in me that my relationship with Pizza Hut must have blossomed over the long period of silence between us. I thought my heart has gotten cold and Pizza Hut's gotten delivery-ly hot. I was wrong.

I was promised a 45-minute delivery.

Ninety minutes later, as I got tired of standing by the window, I decided to make a second call. Don't you just loathhhhee making these kinds of calls?! Malas nyaaaa nak bertekak when I know I'll be getting alasan demi alasan no matter what innocent denials they tell themselves!

I was given yet another promise. That the delivery guy had already left with my order and he should be at my doorstep in ten minutes, AND I'd get a free voucher for their late service.

Free vouchers kunun! Like that was gonna heal me! Tak pe, we'll see.

Ten minutes later, nothing happened. No doorbells, no delivery boy, no pizzas, no eat, no mood. I had to wait yet another thirty minutes before I got a call from the delivery boy.

"Kak, Akak ada order pizza kan?"

I almost said "Yes, 2 years ago," but I managed an "Iyyaa".

"Ok macam ni, saya dah sampai kat bawah apartment akak ni, akak turun amik boleh?"

"Hah?"

Tetiba I felt dizzy. Then I felt like sensenging tangan baju, tangan seluar, tangan tudung semua! Budak ni nak kena pelangkung dengan aku ni! "Kenapa pulak saya yang nak kena turun?! Tak pernah-pernah dalam seumur hidup saya order delivery tapi kena pegi amik sendiri! Baik saya pegi amik kat dapur kedai je tadi!".

"Uhh...mmm...ooo...ok. Akak duduk block mana ek?" Aiiik? Macam mana engkau dah sampai baru nak tanya dinda di mana?

"Block Tujuuuhhhhh".

"Mmm...Block Tujuh, tingkat berapa?"

"Tingkat sepuluhhh". I almost cried.

"Sepuluh? Tingginya Kak?!"

That's it! "Bukannya awak kena naik tangga!" By now my voice had reached Level 45.

Never in my life had I come across such a +*!$#&@ something something! Oh my goodness gracious! Don't they know how vicious hungry customers can be?!

Belum sempat I habis meraungkan lara hati to my fellow hungry-mates, my doorbell rang.

I opened the door and there he was, the boy. Really, he was biologically a boy aging somewhat 16 or 8, looking as young and frightened as he should be.

There were no greetings from neither of us. He just handed me my pizzas, and as I was putting them down I saw that the boxes were damp and cold and lunyai. As damp and cold and lunyai nya hati I seeing my most-fought-over food looking like it had come from the bottom of a garbage bin.

"Mana Free Vouchers nya dik?"

"Ha?"

"Customer Service kata saya dapat Free Vouchers".

"Mmm...err..Free Vouchers? Saya tak tau. Manager saya tak cakap pun pasal tu Kak."

I didn't wanna let it go easy, not then. "Awak call dia sekarang!".

"Err...Kak, battery saya dah habis la." Entah ya, entah tidak!

"Battery awak habis, battery saya banyak. Biar saya call. Bagi saya phone number manager awak".

I didn't notice if his hands were shaking, but I knew mine were. Upset tak upset nya I di kala itu! Ada lagi yang nak kena baham ni!

I asked the manager about the vouchers, but I didn't stop there. I grumbled and whined about her lunyai late service, about having been asked to get the pizzas from downstairs, about her pizza boxes and pizza boy yang lembik.

The manager's excuse was that the boy was new.

She asked me if I'd like a replacement.

What did you think I said?

I let the delivery boy go after paying what I owed him. He looked like he wanted to flee the scene as soon as he got the money but I stopped him.

"RM45.20 kira dulu!"

He did. Then he looked at me, and nodded, signaling that the amount was right.

"Dik, lain kali...belajar! Tak tau, tanya!"

I don't know if he did learn any lessons that day. But if I were him I'd learn never to deliver me anything ever again!

We were halfway through stomaching pizza lunyai when the bell rang.

There he was, the same lunyai boy, with not-at-all lunyai newly baked pizzas.

Apart from my Thank You and four large boxes of pizzas, there were still no greetings from us. I let him go and closed the door. Delivering me more pizzas within twenty minutes, I think he was punished enough.

p/s: This is in response to Ngah's request that I blog about it. She was at the scene as my witness, and happens to be the mother of the Matt Tepung in question. Miss Tepung's identity will be revealed when necessary.

Do You Know Linda Ali?

2009-12-09T11:00:00.004+08:00

Ini adalah petikan dari percakapan kecil di antara saya dengan dia. Coba lah selami nilai-nilai murni yang dapat kiranya diambil dari cerita ini ya.

Dia: Ohh...mengajar. Cikgu la ni? Mengajar sekolah rendah ke menengah?

Saya: Saya mengajar di UPM.

Dia: Eh? Dalam UPM ada sekolah eh?

Saya: Aak? (Sambil segera tersenyum sopan) Tak...saya mengajar students UPM.

Dia: Ohhh ok...UPM Serdang ke?

Saya: (Dah mula rasa tak berapa bahagia di saat ini sambil tercari-cari jawapan yang berpatutan)

Dia: Ha, kalau UPM, awak kenal tak Linda Ali? Sepupu saya tu. Dia kerja situ jugak, suami dia orang Melaka.

Saya: Linda Ali? (Mencuba juga sedaya upaya untuk kenal itu orang). Dia di Fakulti mana ya?

Dia: Tak tau la Fakulti mana. Tapi rasanya kerja pejabat la. Tak kenal?

...

Hampir-hampir saya merasa kekurangan gara-gara tidak mengenali akan sepupu Cik Polan itu. :(

A Treadmill Mild Threat.

2009-12-07T15:27:00.007+08:00

I was on a treadmill at the gym some time last week - yeah I'm showing off my newly picked up hobby - and running next to me was a tall, very dark, and presumably handsome guy.

'Presumably' because I only saw him from the corner of eye. I didn't turn to look. I could not bring myself to.

I couldn't risk the chances of him knowing how I felt about his presence. I mean, I wasn't sure if we'd met before, surely we hadn't or I would have remembered him...but the truth was too hard to bear. I wanted to hit the Stop button and just quit but I couldn't bring myself to do that too so I stayed.

5 minutes left on the machine before I should slow down. I pretended to watch the TV right in front of me as I eventually slowed down to brisk walking. When my time was finally up, I graciously reached for my water bottle and face towel and stepped down from the machine, breathing and looking as normally as I possibly could. He must not know I needed to get away from him. The closeness was tormenting me.

Leaving the gym I wondered if I had done the right thing. Should I've just told him what I wanted to say? Would that be too forward for a lady like me? Should I just keep avoiding him the next time he runs next to me?

Man! How do I tell him he stinks?!

Hari Raya, Selamat.

2009-12-01T15:01:00.006+08:00

One day after work last Syawal, as I reached the elevator to my apartment and was waiting for the doors to open, a few neighbouring kids suddenly hovered around me asking if they could come over to my house for Raya.

I stopped short at the unexpected proposal. I assumed that the kids were around 6 & 7 years old but I mean, did I even know them? Well, ok maybe that question is not relevant when it comes to Raya but when did this happen? When did coming over for Raya become a proposition made by strangers at elevator doors? I couldn't help but gave in to my surprise while letting my brain regain consciousness.

Seeing that I took awhile to decide, one of them tried to force a Yes out of me and as a matter-of-factly said "Boleh la 'Achik'", while pushing themselves in between the closing elevator doors to get in and join me.

Feeling ambushed, I gently told them that I was tired, that perhaps next time would be a better time.

As I got to my floor and the doors opened, I stepped out thinking that I must have disappointed them and that they'd run home and tell their mothers how sinned I was. Instead, I realized that my refusal did not at all deter them from following me to my doorstep!

"Kalau cam tu, Achik kasi duit je lah."

Hah?

That's it! That made me feel like pulling them by their ears and dragging them to their doorstep while bitching about them to their own mothers! "Ni anak Akak ke ni? Akak tau tak anak Akak ni dah menconteng arang pada memori Hari Raya saya masa saya kecik-kecik dulu? Itu belum lagi saya bukak cerita pasal adab ziarah-menziarahi jiran tetangga. Hah, hari Raya macam ni, masa saya dulu mana ada mintak-mintak duit dengan orang ni Kak oii! Ini kan pulak main tunggu and mintak tepi jalan je. Ye ni anak Akak ni? Ke anak angkat? Lain benor perangainya! Ye lah...memang lah ada masa nya saya pun merasa jugak dapat duit Raya kat depan pintu tak sempat nak masuk makan kuih semperit tapi at least tuan rumah yang bagi alternative tu, bukan saya! Kalau arwah Umi saya tau ni, mengucap panjang dia Akak tau?"

As I in-reality actually got to my front door, I turned around and said, "Kalau betul nak datang Raya, buat cara nak Raya. Balik umah, tukar dulu t-shirt dengan seluar pendek ni, pakai baju Melayu, pas tu datang balik. Time tu baru Aci-aci ni bukak pintu! Boleh?"

They went quiet and just stared at each other.

And left.

And never came back.

Ever.

Yang Tinggal.

2009-11-28T22:25:00.003+08:00

Aidil Adha semalam, genaplah 50 hari Ummi pergi. Whether or not we've let her go, she's gone. She wont be there when we go home. She wont be there, anywhere, anymore.

And like I have failed a few things in life, I have failed writing about her. Even that. I'd feel miserable. And I'd indeed failed miserably.

I'm aware of what yesterday was. I did. But as if life had to be punished, nobody was home to celebrate it. But then again, maybe it's that, that we walked away from. Celebrating.

So...no rendang, no baju Raya this time.

But if death is what life is about, then we are dealing with it, celebrating or mourning, together or alone.

It hasn't been easy. Still, I pray that it will never be.

So That Isn't Life.

2009-09-06T21:26:00.004+08:00

Twenty years ago, the only choice i knew was to live life like it was an obligation regardless of whether or not i understood what the heaven it meant. I just knew not to ask. I did what i was expected to do and i was expected to finish what i did. Never questioned, never strayed.

Ironically that difficult life made me what i am today and without force, i am humbly gratified.

But twenty years later - to someone else whose blood inescapably relates to mine - life is seemingly a matter of 'un-choosing' choices he once made, like it is as legal as hitting on his Backspace key, like his life owes nobody.

I am going home today to break the news to him that life is not that kind. Life is never kind, if he's not.

Excuse me.

2009-07-27T13:05:00.002+08:00

In between Meredith Grey and my students' email, i lost my voice.

Hooked on Books.

2009-07-24T20:12:00.011+08:00

When you're in that rare mood to read, and you find yourself going back and forth those endless shelves at either Borders or MPH, or Kinokuniya how do you do it? I mean, yeah, how do you pick out a novel, decide on it, and triumphantly make it to the cashier?

Does it depend on:-
1. the title?
Me: Yes. I won't go near anything that spoils my imagination like We're NOT Meant To Be. (Duhh!)
Me: These days I cover my eyes passing through those with the word 'Shopaholic'. (No offence)
Me: I'm so easily attracted to the ones in the form of a question like Will You Be There?

2. the design of the cover?
Me: Ideally no, but for me Yes. I find that my eyes skip those with stick men or real photos or real men, or real women for that matter because they influence my own already wild imaginations of how the characters should look like. I prefer either a blurry real photo of say a pair of hands, or somebody from behind, or better, something i cant even define.

3. the synopsis?
Me: Do you even read the synopsis? Well i do, i mean, how else would you decide but lately i notice that i've avoided doing even that. I find that some synopsis spoils the thrill of reading or worse, it doesn't even do justice to the story.

4. the author?
Me: I try not to. I don't wanna be stuck on one author and miss out on the others. Sometimes I get tired of how stereotypical they can be. But of course i do have favourites.

5. the price?
Me: Nope. (My theory: One only brings himself to enter a bookstore when one is ready to do a little rare spending)

6. the similarities between the fiction and your reality?

Me: Naah. Haven't found one anyway.

7. the first page of the first chapter?
Me: Yes oh yes! I believe that's where i can tell whether or not the novel is my kind of novel. If i like the first page, i'd like the rest of it. If i get nauseas, i'd drop it. This one here is the defining factor ladies and gentlemen. If the book is wrapped, i'd either tear it, or i'll just forget about tearing it because there are cameras everywhere and so eventually i'll forget about the novel too. I'm not a risk-taker when it comes to novels, no way.

So, if a novel has it all, i'll run to the cashier with a copy in my hand. That will be my lucky day. But if i find only 1/7 that's when i'll be going back and forth the whole bookstore looking for that one perfect book, until that perfect book finds me, or so they say.

I know two of which have just found me. Now if you excuse me...

Don't.

2009-07-22T09:06:00.003+08:00

I am so reaching a stage of Whatever right now. I've been understanding, i've been kind. But like millions of other things in life, there is such a thing called limit. And no matter how trivial that may sound, you shouldn't mess with it.

Because when that happens, you wont deserve as much as a look from me. You can cry all your blood out, i'm done.

So kindly, be warned.

Baiklah.

2009-07-13T13:56:00.005+08:00

Yang baik dibalas baik tu, biasa. Yang jahat dibalas baik tu, lebih baik. Tapi yang baik jadi jahat sebab dah tak tahan jadi baik tu macam mana ya?

What if itu je caranya nak balas sebab dah letih buat baik dengan orang jahat? Makin orang baik ni baik, makin orang yang tak baik tu menjadi-jadi tak baiknya so sudahnya, orang baik pun dah malas nak buat baik.

Tapi biasanya orang baik jadi tak baik adalah dengan niat dan harapan supaya orang yang tak baik tu, setidak-tidaknya berhentilah buat tak baik tu. DAN orang baik ni sebenarnya nak orang tak baik tu tahu, orang baik pun boleh jadi tak baik jugak, tak ke?

Tapi saya rasa, susah sebenarnya jadi orang baik ni. Kena banyak senyum, kena banyak sabar, kena banyak faham, kena banyak diam, kena banyak terima, sudahnya...orang tak baik ingatkan orang baik ni bodoh! Tak ke susah tu?

Dah lah...buat-buat setuju je, ya?

Forgiving a Forget-fool.

2009-07-11T20:53:00.011+08:00

I forgot something...again, to a point that i might have lost that something...again. So i don't like myself very much right now. I'm praying this too shall pass...this phase-of- forgetting-things thing, and this not-liking-myself thing. But even though i know it most probably will, i still can't make myself like myself any better. Not right now.

You see, other than forgetting and losing that something tonight, i've been forgetting and losing some other things too. And as much as i can try to convince myself what a good excuse i possibly have, i find it hard to believe that i do.

I'm human, and so i forget yes i know that. But what comes with forgetting and losing those things that i should in the first place remember is a punishment i hate to bear. I hate dragging other people into the mess i make. I hate asking for help when it should have been completely uncalled for.

And i hate feeling hopeless. There's not enough comfort in the world that could replace this regret for not making a point to remember the things that i should.

Maybe some day i'll come to terms with this. Maybe some day when i forget and lose even more i'll just let the bigger power step in and stop worrying and regretting.

Yes...maybe some day.

Sleeping Story.

2009-07-11T10:21:00.006+08:00

I love sleeping too. Any normal human beings do it, it's re-energizing, it makes you forget stuff, it lets you be lazy as if you're not already but can you please not announce it as your hobby? I mean, i'm not encouraging deceits or anything, you've read my previous entry but hey...have a little pride will you please?

Like say...picking your nose. Simply hypnotizing ain't it. My nephew does it every sneaky chance he gets but there are things that you just do NOT say out loud especially, oh please, especially NOT as you're introducing yourself to a group of audience for the very first time! Come on la, who in the whole wide world...well, putting a few things aside, are enemies with sleeping...yes? But to say that it is a hobby above all else is just...pathetic! No matter how true that is.

If you do, do that...well, don't blame me if all i can see you in, are pyjamas and your bed. And all i can take you as, are sluggish and messy and stinky and you deserve to be around no one, particularly me.

Now before you put your rebuttals on a list, rest assured I'm not denying the significance of sleeping because if you do, you need to get a good resting sleep before you reread this entry.

Sleep well now.

The Truth That Lies.

2009-07-09T15:11:00.006+08:00

It's just amazing how some people think they can lie to you like it's their second skin. But it's more than that when they fool themselves into thinking that the whole world will never, ever, find out. I guess somebody really needs to draw them the world, just so they realize that it is small? Hello?

So I've been thinking, what is it about lies that they get to me like arrows drawn right to my very heart? Apa yang sakit hati sangat sampai I'm writing it ni?

Well...they pain me, yes. In fact, to the very core of my being. But you know what, i realize that for good people like us, with only good humble pure intentions at heart...our trusting selves will heal.

Into nothing.

Nothing!

So nothing that we don't even pray for only truths, anymore. So nothing that we take in more lies like they are our second skin.

Go ahead and lie to me. At lease I know who's the fool.

Sent.

2009-06-30T08:36:00.004+08:00

Four nights ago, a young lady stopped me and asked me if i was me. As i said Yes i thought i saw her face lit up. She said when she first saw me she kinda already knew who i was but when she heard a Pocoyo calling out my name, that confirmed her thought. She knew she had to say Hi.

I searched her face and found no clues to where in my past she came from...until she started reminding me of it.

She talked of the place where we were, of the other people who shared that one year, and of how she had not gone back there ever. But above everything else...she didn't just talk about me, she quoted me.

As i walked away from there 20 minutes later, i realized what had put me there that night.

Something that i must have done right, some 12 years ago.

What Do You Say..?

2009-06-29T14:07:00.003+08:00

I say I'm in love with a restaurant. It has lempeng cecah sambal tumis and kari ayam, and the waiters say 'sama-sama'.

Hot, Not Spicy.

2009-06-21T17:43:00.003+08:00

Di zaman yang serba moden dan canggih ni, kalau kita sebut cili potong, akan tetapi awak tidak tahu akan ertinya, maka meh sini kita cili kan mulut itu, meh!

Tell me, just WHO does NOT know what it is, tell me?!

Have you ever asked for one when you dine at a 5-start restaurant? Likewise, when you singgah kat warung makan kat Simpang Empat Kerdau hujung tahun lepas, awak mintok mek ke cili potong se, dok? It's not an odd thing to ask for, yes? Well not unless you're at Pizza Hut la.

Chili potong is just so in right now as in as chili sauce with fries cumanya you cannot dip fries dengan cili potong...(well you CAN). So because i believe everyone knows what it is, here's my big question.

HOW COME WHEN I ASK FOR IT, I MESTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII KENA MINTAK MORE THAN ONCE? HOW COMMEEE?

Itupun if i'm lucky! If not more than once pun, cili padi yang kita tunggu-tunggu, cili besar gedabak yang tiba. Apa kes babe?! You think i cannot handle bird'e eye chilies? Awat tak letak capsicum ja?

What is so matematik tambahan about it? Waiters just don't listen do they? Or should i put that in a different entry under a more pathetic emphatic title?

By right chili potong should be included je terus dalam setiap hidangan or buffet. Kalau orang tak nak, orang tak ceduk. Kalau takut rugi, charge! Tidak pun letak je siap-siap dalam balang ala-ala balang kueh raya tu atas each meja. Sebagai pembantu kedai makan, anda pun tidak akan melara sakit hati ulang-alik keluar masuk kitchen 4-5 kali, salah?

On a calmer note, i'm a chili potong addict you see. Without it food mostly tastes like medicine. And it's a problem for me now because when eating out, my likes depend a lot on whether waiters care enough to listen and deliver. It's even more frustrating when at times i am not even surprised if my request for it is not filfilled the first time, or at all, anymore.

But well...too bad customer's always right. Cili potong satu!

I've Been Thinking...

2009-06-16T18:58:00.006+08:00

...is 'bahagia' happy?

I know 'gembira' is happy. Are 'gembira' and 'bahagia' the same?

Now, at this point of time...you gembira tak? Atau you bahagia?

I've just been thinking...

A Loud Silence.

2009-04-27T20:04:00.009+08:00

It's quiet where i am right now. It's so much so even if i press my hands to both ears and hide my face in a pillow i can still hear how quiet it is.

But it isn't peaceful i'm afraid. No it is not like any other silence i've heard and heard of. This one is deafening.

So deafening i cant hear myself sing. So deafening i dont know if i'm even singing.

But i'm not gonna start crying, no. I'd have to hold back tears and close my eyes and cover my face, it's too much work.

So...until this silence turns into music, again or if ever...i think i'll just wait.

Something.

2009-04-03T17:05:00.003+08:00

I'm not sure if it is my head or my heart but i know i'm not in speaking terms with one those right now. And whatever comes with one of those, i am not in speaking terms with that either.

If life really was a maze there would still be a way out. One might just take a much longer time to get there, that's all. And if love was a riddle there would still be an answer or two. One just has to choose whichever makes, or doesn't make sense to you.

Something has got to be wrong.

I think i gotta go fix me.

I Can Not.

2009-03-27T10:39:00.012+08:00

1. Blink your eyes less often. Though most of the times it is unplanned, uncontrollable, involuntary and painless, it can still be done. Try.

2. Bite those lips, upper or bottom or both as long as you can still let some air through it but never, breathe through your nose for it has probably by then, be blocked.

3. Inhale long deep breath through that tiny air passage, and hold it, for as long as it lets you live.

4. And please, keep those facial muscles as straight as your wrinkles, as if you're lifeless.

5. Do anything, everything you can...

...to not cry.

Light On

2009-03-23T17:08:00.004+08:00

Never really said too much
Afraid it wouldn't be enough
Just try to keep my spirits up
When there's no point in grieving.

Doesn't matter anyway
Words could never make me stay
Words will never take my place
When you know i'm leaving.

Try to leave a light on when i'm gone
Something i rely on to get home
One i can feel at night, a naked light
A fire to keep me warm.

Try to leave a light on when i'm gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
When it's late at night you can look inside
You wont feel so alone.

You know we've been down that road
What seems a thousand times before
My back to a closing door my eyes to the seasons
That roll out underneath my heels
And you don't know how bad it feels
To leave the only one that i have ever believed in.

(Chorus)

Sometimes it feels like we've run out of luck
When the signal keeps on breaking up
When the wires cross in my brain
You'll start my heart again
When i come along.

by David Cook

I dont feel like writing. I dont feel like feeling and dwelling in it. But my heart refuses to stop singing, and this is what it is singing to. No reason.

My Patrick

2009-03-17T13:47:00.007+08:00

Once upon a time, as i was walking in a park named after a king, i decided to sit at one of the many benches. The view right by the bench was simply breathtaking i felt i could lose myself in it.

Little did i realize that what i lost that day was not myself, thank goodness, but my phone.

Being at a park which was named after a king, i wasn't sure if i could find my lost phone. I mean, somebody was definitely bound to find it but who in their right mind would save a phone left lying on a bench? Even if one were to be in a park named after a queen, one would still not do it. It's just too right.

As the victim of my own forgetfulness, i ran towards regret and blamed myself only a thousand times.So that was it. Losing that phone felt like losing the whole wide world i saved in it, one has no idea.

But being in a park which was named after a king, i should never belittle that last, dust of faith i was about to let go.

For then came Patrick, a man in his running shoes, wearing a saintful smile, handing me back my phone.

And today is the right day for me to think of him, way away in a park named after a king.

Thank you Patrick, for all the calls you made to find me.

Coz you did find me.

A Quote, A Question.

2009-03-16T21:11:00.000+08:00

"You are who you are, the Why doesn't matter." - A dialogue from the movie Breach.

...but, really?

My First Home Visit

2009-03-15T18:26:00.013+08:00

Though i wish i was, I'm not a charitable person. I'll frown if i spot little girls in baju kurung standing by the gas pumps with rolls of calendars in their hands, greeting me with Salam. I admire their courage for coming up to me and convincing me of my own sincerity even before i pretend to be interested in their calendars but truth be known, that's all they get from me.

I have nothing against the very concept of charity, no that's not it. I just have problems giving away my hard-earned money to some kids who are too unfortunate to have to hop onto some in-denial-gas-station patrons like me.

So the idea of purposely getting up in the morning on weekends, or any other of my already limited free time to visit a shelter or a home, was simply beyond me.

But yesterday, that's exactly what i did. I visited Pusat Bimbingan Remaja Puteri, Raudhatus Sakinah.

With a friend who had a professional purpose for being there, with a sister who had a personal one, i, with a nudge of persuasion, agreed to tag along.

I first woke up with a headache, i second failed to find my favourite pants, i third wanted to go back to bed.

I finally didn't.

45 minute-drive after, i found myself in front of a very common looking house, with the gate locked. I thought we were too early, but apparently that's how it is. The gate is locked at all times.

We were invited in, given a talk, allowed a look...all that while our heads were busy guessing which girls were raped, which ones did drugs, which ones were the mothers of the 2 newborn babies each of us wanted to hold.

I came home with more than a headache.

I came home promising to go back.

My First Mistake

2009-03-13T17:41:00.004+08:00

I went back there where I thought i knew the place. I went back there to see if i still felt it. I was sure i could find what i was looking for. It's just that i thought i remembered everything.

I thought i remembered where each road led me to or what trees lined up to you. But i was wrong as wrong could be. What used to be there were not there anymore and what weren't, are.

I forgot that people move on i really did. And now i have to consider the fact that maybe roads and trees do too. They have to or else they would still be there as stubborn as the promises i made and just wait. So when i didn't see them there, i realized that i 'd been so lost down my own memory lane where i thought there was a turn.

I would have gone back to where i came from but there was a tug that kept me going and i let it. And i went on...taking one unfamiliar turn after another...until i reached that one particular, impossible junction to change, where i saw you.

I remember now. It isn't this place that kept me coming. It isn't the trees that kept calling.

It's you.

It has always been you.

My First Reason for Lying

2009-03-11T12:56:00.007+08:00

Is I've been lied to.

Sure, go ahead and judge me.

Sulong.

2009-03-10T14:30:00.003+08:00

Just in case one day i get what Umi's got, i'm writing this down. Hopefully by then if i forget, i'll still know how to read. If i cant, then maybe i'll get somebody, maybe a nurse, to read this for me just so i feel good about myself for awhile, before i forget again.

I plan to write about my first, of everything. My first home, my first school, my first day at school, my first birthday party, my first day away from home... Well, maybe not in that order, but that's a plan.

You be my witness now, ok?

Tuesday's almost over but i gotta run to my first class of the day. I'll write my first entry first thing tomorrow.

Which Witch?

2009-03-10T11:22:00.004+08:00

Will you believe me if i say that i am a witch?

Imagine me how you want, wearing all black, flying on a broom, laughing my fangs out, ...anyhow you want.

But how i look like, is the least of my significance. You gotta ask me what i can do.

Come on, ask me.

So What?

2009-03-05T10:54:00.011+08:00

You know what, sometimes i wish i was always more skeptical and thought only the worst in people like when i was on this flight to KK recently, a man who was sitting next to me kept helping with stuff like making sure the air-cond thingy above my head was perfectly directed at me or unlatch-ing the tray table for me so he could place my meal box on it because i was too dopey to do it myself. I wish i had cursed him for making me so vulnerable or thinking that i was such a child but instead...I thanked him for his kindness and reminded myself not to fall for Sabahan guys because he was a Sabahan as much as i can claim myself to be and because i heard from somewhere that Sabahan guys are such a charmer.

And then there was this other Sabahan guy whom i met on my second day in KK who offered help when i was simply looking for a switch to plug in my laptop and i really didn't need his help or hoping for any even though it did speed things up when he pointed to me where the switch was and plugged it in for me.

I should have hated his audacity to even suggest that i was clumsy and hopeless but i thanked him too for being helpful and Sabahan and all.

And then before i boarded my flight home, there was this one particular Sabahan guy whom i had to stop right by and say Hello and pass my IC and Entry Slip to. I smiled my friendliest smile knowing that he'd be the only one of the other Sabahan guys who got to see my IC and everything else that's on it.

"You're a Sabahan?" he asked.

I was ready to tell him the story of my life but when I looked at him and saw that he wasn't trying to be friendly about it i just said, "Well, I was born here." I was probably trying to kill two birds with a 'safe' answer though i wasn't quite sure what kind of 'safety' i was actually hoping for. I stood there wearing the same smile on my face, regardless.

"Your parents are Sabahan?" he asked, still not smiling as he started typing something on the computer, probably my IC number.

"No. My mom is bla bla bla and my dad is bla bla bla.."

"So you're a West Malaysian" he said.

I hesitated for a few seconds. "Oh ok."

"Where do you work? Where are you staying?"

"I work in bla bla bla.."

"You're a West Malaysian. You were just born here." he said.

Err ok, sure.

Wait. Did i sense triumph in his voice?

And that's where this newly adopted spirit came from.

I now hate myself for seeing only the good in people. I hate myself for not being prejudice and sarcastic and not thinking that the world is always out to get me the moment i said Hi. I hate realizing that i should have been nasty only AFTER people have been unkind to me.

I don't need him to tell ME what or who i am! I can come from the moon for all i care but what is it to him?

Can anyone tell me what his God d**n problem is?!

The next time i'm in Sabah, i should really enlighten him on the non-existance of West Malaysia or East Malaysia. Nak claim the whole world to be yours pun make sure la your facts are right k?

My Bad

2009-02-24T13:06:00.006+08:00

I've learned that i cant go visit Umi at the hospital early in the morning before i go to work. I cant see her and then leave for my classes. I can go in the afternoon, after my 2pm class or even later in the day say at 4, or 5, that i can. I can go at any other time twice a day or more and stay till 7pm because that's when visiting hours end unless the nurses let us stay longer which they usually do. But i cant go and see her before i've done everything else i wanna do at work or in class or else i cant do anything.

I'm not talking about capability or convenience, or even time. I'm not talking about my Pengarah or his Timbalan or my other Ketua Bidang and Ketua Kursus who fail to understand because they really do understand to a point where they can do it better than i can sometimes...no, it's not them.

I'm talking about me. I'm talking about my inability to stay as positive as the status i put on Facebook if i go see her before i do anything else.

I'm admitting that i cant do it. I cant start my day seeing her different from the way i'm used to. I cant take it if she doesn't feel my grip on her hand and then off i go for my meeting.

I cant.

And please, don't tell me to be strong as if yours is the only brain who's ever thought of it and besides, if what i am or what i am not or what i do or don't do right now is not strong, i don't think even you know what that is.

Up Up and Home

2009-02-20T12:02:00.012+08:00

I have nothing against climbing up the stairs, honest to God i don't. In fact i used to purposely go to where there were flights and flights of stairs so i could run them up and down to lose weight because i heard doing that would help you increase your metabolic rate faster and you could turn slimmer faster. And believe me, when it comes to losing all those fat and flab, fast is the way you'd wanna do it.

But after awhile when i found that i no longer had to work hard to lose weight, all the activities that cause perspiration were put to a stop. No more running up and down the stairs, no more jogging by the lake... :) Only swimming once in a blue blue moon.

But when we had a black-out last night and my housemate and i decided to take the stairs up to our apartment on the 10th floor, i almost died! Of course we had first considered all the options but we ruled out most of them simply because we were not prepared with our spare bajus! And the fact that the previous black-out took till midnight to be resolved after a few long hot hours made us choose what we would have avoided if we could. Besides, the guards assured us that they had already called the TNB people and it shouldn't be long from then on.

So...after nervously changing my heels to my flat sandals, dengan berbekalkan a tapau-ed iced coffee - just in case nak berkelah sekejap on the way up tu kan, kami pun memulakan lah pendakian yang julung-julung kali terpaksa dilakukan itu. I was in my baju kurung ok! And i was also carrying my laptop bag pack yang beratnya mungkin berjumlah 5kg ( that was heavy enough for me considering how i hate heavy-weight lifting even on level ground ) And the tangga was so dark rupanya without the lights or the moon we had to suluh dengan the lights from our handphones.

Up we climbed dengan gelapnya, dengan beratnya, dengan tingginya, dengan nak senseng hujung kainnya, dengan nak pegang itu pegang ini nya, dengan tangan sebelah nak menyuluh anak tangga nya...o.h...m.y...GOD!

I told myself tak payah nak rush. Ini bukan an episode from Amazing Race where you go semput, berebut nak sampai atas sebab nak berdiri on Amazing Race carpet facing what's his name? Paul? Phil?... and tunggu he says..."You're the last team to arrive."

Anyway, we managed to get to our door 3.5 minutes later. Not bad at all i know. I felt my face blushed, my heart raced and i was panting and breathing thru both my nose and mouth. Instantly i felt dizzy i almost fainted backwards.

We got in, changed into something less, opened all the windows and chose our spots where we thought were the coolest. I took out my Chinese hand-fan and started fanning myself left and right. My housemate on the other hand, cooled herself down low on the floor where the carpets didn't cover.

The power was back on 30 minutes after our climb.

What was the lesson learned?

Always keep a bag of extra clothes with you, most preferrably in your car, to avoid unnecessary climbing adventure.

And of course, never take for granted what you're blessed with....like the power that works that elevator?

Oh...perhaps i should start running up the stairs again, just in case.

Selamat Ulang Tahun Sayang

2009-02-05T10:04:00.005+08:00

Yang tulus ikhlas
Ingin sekali sekala dirinya dibalas
Walau hanya dengan dakapan di angin lalu

Yang selalu memberi
Ingin sekali sekala jadi penerima
Cukup dengan salam dan manis doa

Aku ingin kau merasakan hebatnya cinta
Dan leburkan saja serpihan calar derita

Selamat ulang tahun sayang
Kini kau bersayap, pergilah terbang
Rentaslah langit cita-cita mu
Harap nanti kita kan bertemu

Selamat ulang tahun sayang
Janganlah engkau tak terbang pulang
Ku nanti penuh kerinduan
Selamat tinggal, selamat jalan

Aku hanya inginkan engkau setia
Kerana setia yang mencipta bahagiamu.

Imran Ajmain

Hear Me Do

2009-01-28T11:46:00.021+08:00

Dua tiga hari ni, walaupun her memory cannot yet be 100% retrieved, Umi nampak ok. Ok as in...she's kinda come back to her old little self; bercakap almost tak berhenti updating us on other patients, like Popo Bed 20 tu gagap sebenarnya, or the Chinese granny Bed 18 tu kalau Umi tengok lama-lama ada iras-iras Wan (her own mom yang berketurunan Cina, yang also looked like a Chinese) or this other patient yang cubicle sebelah sana tu biasanya kalau dia pegi toilet mesti bawak her bla bla tapi entah kenapa hari ni tak bawak pulak... .

And i just let her.

Habis updating us on her wardmates, she'd politely complain pasal food. At times ada yang too tawar for her good taste, too big a portion for her to finish, too hard or just too soft to her liking. But i'm sure it's actually because Ngah has been spoiling her with some good home-made, selera-kampung kinda masakan yang tiada lah tandingannya dengan makanan yang dimasak untuk pesakit-hospital hospital. (This is meant as a compliment tau Ngah ;) ) So every so often when Ngah comes by with her mangkuk tingkat and what not, Umi would proudly tell the hospital staff (yang tugasnya mendistributekan food tu), supaya disimpan sahaja lah tray nya kerana dia tidak lagi berkehendakkan akan makanan yang dimasak banyak-banyak sebegitu.

And Umi would savour her ulam and sambal and lauk yang Ngah masak especially for her tu, with satisfaction...and pride. And that keeps Ngah cooking and tapau-ing.

And that keeps Umi busy...and that saves me...

...from talking! Coz help me God i just dont know how to hold a conversation with her! I bore Umi asking for the same things, day in and day out that she and i both would already know the answers to my same questions...even before i ask.

I'm a teacher. I speak and preach for hours in class that's my job but i cant hold a decent conversation with my own mom.

It's so depressing that I feel...handicapped.

So i pray...that my actions do and will forever speak louder than the few words i utter and that Umi can still hear me loud and clear.

There, whenever i'm next to her.

Please Remember.

2009-01-14T13:49:00.005+08:00

Did you know that i'm my mother's daughter? Yes, i'm Umi's girl , even my sisters would agree. You wouldn't doubt me if you've met us, Umi and i. We look so alike we could be twins except that she's not my twin, she's my mom. Anyone who doesn't know me would know me if they know Umi. I am my mom's younger version. I know how i will look like when i'm 60 if i get to be 60 and i bet i remind Umi of how she looked like when she was younger except that right now she doesn't remember much anymore.

Now I remember when i was young, i always woke up to her getting dressed in our one-bedroom house in Kampung Jana. She usually had her kain batik on for which she used Abah's green army belt to tighten around her waist and a pretty 80's blouse to match. Then she'd brush her always long hair and would either braid it or have it in a bun. Never did she let her hair loose except when she had just washed it. And my favourite part was watching her putting on her make up which she never actually put on much except for her Angel's Face compact powder and a celak for her eyebrows.

I dont know if she knows i remember all that. She needs help getting dressed now. Sometimes she insists she could do it herself but only when she remembers she could. And because we didn't want her to see how much hair she was losing as a result of her chemo, my brother cut her knee-length hair short as short as his own. And instead of Angel's Face, we usually dab Johnson's baby powder on her face. Only that. We dont know how to use a celak on our face so we never tried it on hers.

I dont know what else she still remembers or if there is more she will forget but i know what i will remember. I will remember everything that she'd forgotten just so i can remind her of it if she wants to know. I will remember how many pillows she uses to sleep, i will remember how many more of her diapers left in the drawer, i will remember Abah said it was fish she had for dinner last night not chicken according to her, even that i will remember.

I will remember everything, every single little thing...even if she won't remember me.

...

2009-01-07T16:06:00.006+08:00

I wish it had rained today so i would have been forced to concentrate on how not to get wet without an umbrella. If i had had to concentrate on the rain my mind wouldn't have been so quick to go back to Isolation Room 6. But if i had not let my mind go back there where Umi is, i would have been so numb i could feel it.

If only it had rained today.

Knock on Word

2008-12-24T17:44:00.013+08:00

Do you sometimes find yourself giving advices and for a magical second or two wonder if you'll ever remember to advise yourself the same advice given the same situation?

I just told a friend to let go of his girlfriend since she wanted out. If she wants to be free then set yourself free. I am a true believer of if-you-dont-want-me-then-i-dont-want-you kinda principle or theory or whatever you wanna call it but i believe in it. I think you deserve that much, to not keep your bump where your whole world doesn't want it. To love only when you're loved. Life goes on, get over it and try to stay off of a bridge.

When your love door's slammed on your face, hold your head high and walk away. Hearts get broken and yours wouldn't be the first one. Find a new love. That's a cure.

But, if my love door is ever slammed on my face...now that's a question. Whether whatever i believe you should do is as what i believe i should unquestionably do. Can i just stop staring at my love door hoping that any second it would open again and your head would pop nervously out to see if i had waited and if i had we'd kiss and make up? Or can i just easily run in the opposite direction never looking back hating you more than i have ever hated a guilty soul?

I don't know.

It's always easier saying than doing my friend. I'm just praying that whatever comes as an advice to you, i will never have to go through.

Happy 60th Birthday Ummi!

2008-12-20T10:56:00.003+08:00

For all the years you've devoted to us, for all the small and big things you've done for us, for all the feelings you've felt for and because of us, Happy Birthday Ummi.

I love you, for all that you have made me to be.

Time to Go

2008-12-10T12:17:00.002+08:00

If i had known what had happened would happen, i would have skipped the whole year. If i had so welcomed the coming of the year, i wouldn't have been glad to leave December. I wish i could jump it, i wish i had not lived the year.

And so i'm leaving. The year would have to end itself without me here. Probably then it would be easier.

But still, Happy Birthday December dearests.

I'll see you in January.

Bleeding Love

2008-12-09T14:49:00.003+08:00

A friend has just had a break up. Another world collapsed. Another heart shattered. Another love hates.

But unless he decides to stop living, life is determined to go on. Drag himself if he has to, scar his trust if it's meant to, nobody says it's easy.

He can let himself fall into the deepest shit, as long as he gets back up again. And he will.

He doesn't have a choice.

My Point of No Return

2008-12-01T09:57:00.004+08:00

I don't say Whatever. It's more of a phase than a word to hurt. The last phase. It surpasses Forgiving phase. It ridicules Forgetting phase. It's a phase i keep feeling i'd reach. It's a phase i know i can reach.

If once i'm there, if i ever get there, you cant imagine the absence of emotions and care i am so capable of having. I'd be the person you never knew, whether or not i loved you.

So save it. Save us all from getting there.

You know what to do.

A True Fiction

2008-11-19T11:23:00.009+08:00

After years of bookless reading, i walked into MPH last night and got hooked on a novel. Yes a novel. Not a self help, not whatever it is they have for idiots, not anything on body language, not a book on recipes using unidentified unavailable ingredients, a novel. Totally fiction.

First it was the title, then it was the synopsis, then it was the quotation that begins every chapter, and lastly, hopefully, the story.

I am on chapter three. Last night i thought i'd go home, take a shower, get into my pyjama, lie in bed and read and finish the book and fall asleep and dream about it all in one breath. But this morning i found that i'm saving it. I wanna finish reading but i dont wanna close the book. I wanna know the ending but i dont want it to end. The first chapter gave me a chill. The second made me late for work. I got to be prepared for the next ones. I could die.

If you dont hear from me for the next 5 days, that means i've gone to heaven without goodbye. But if you do, then that would mean i've still gone to heaven but am back to tell you about it.

Dont ask me what the book is. It's mine. Go find your own fiction.

And come back and tell me about it.

Wasn't a Bird.

2008-11-18T12:07:00.007+08:00

I saw a superman yesterday. He had his glasses on and was in his work outfit; blue shirt and black slacks, and a good expensive-looking watch on his left wrist . He came after work to visit his mom who was occupying the bed next to Umi's. Understandable i thought. He didn't smile much but i knew he was worried coz i saw him talking to a nurse for the longest time. And he had an umbrella with him. I wish i had mine.

Ngah saw him too. You can ask her.

Merry Me.

2008-11-17T12:18:00.003+08:00

I understand those of you who are constantly urged by your genuine concern over my marital status or in my case, the absence of it. There are so many of you that i solemnly plan to draft a proposal for a proper establishment of a Union so i can easily keep track of active members and possibly reward you accordingly. I am in full conscience that i have constantly distracted you from your daily wife-ing and mothering and it is only in your humble intention that i am not excluded from this fun 24-7 employment. With that said, i encourage you to forward your interest through email or if that is taking too much of your time you can always sms me, or better yet, come over to my place as i'm sure you're dying to know how a bachelor home looks like.

Have a marry day.

Umi's Chemo - Part 2

2008-11-16T16:44:00.009+08:00

Just when we thought Umi was handling chemo relievingly well, she just went ahead and lost us...or more like we lost her. She stayed up all through the night wandering around the house, stood straight up on her bed one day and just forgot. She nodded claiming to remember who we were, but couldn't come up with a name other then her very own. Her stare was empty, her grip was weak. And all i could think of was that, we lost her. We lost her.

What if the last time she could remember was really gonna be the last? Was i kind to her the last time she could remember, was i kind? Oh dear god! The one thing that i fear most for myself is happening right before me and i could only imagine banging my head on the wall like she actually did. How could i have done it differently? Was there anything that i could have done differently?

I looked away. I stayed. She has to come back.

She has to come back.

You Wont Matter Anymore

2008-11-16T15:07:00.004+08:00

There you go baby, here am i
Well you left me here so i could sit and cry
Golly gee what have you done to me
But i guess it doesn't matter anymore.

Do you remember baby last September
How you held me tight each and every night
Oh baby how you drove me crazy
But i guess it doesn't matter anymore.

There ain't no use in me a-crying
Coz I've done everything and now I'm sick of trying
I've thrown away my nights
Wasted all my days over you.

Now you go your way baby I'll go mine
Now and forever till the end of time
And I've found somebody new baby
We'll say we're through
You wont matter anymore.

There ain't no use in me a-crying
Coz I've done everything and now I'm sick of trying
I've thrown away my nights
Wasted all my days over you.

Now you go your way baby and I'll go mine
Now and forever till the end of time
And I've found somebody new baby
We'll say we're through
You wont matter anymore.

You wont matter anymore.
You wont matter anymore.
You wont matter anymore.

Eva Cassidy

Umi's Chemo - Part 1

2008-11-05T10:44:00.016+08:00

Lepas hampir seminggu tertangguh, Umi dah mula chemo dua hari lepas. Mulanya kami tak tahu samada doktor akan teruskan rancangan chemo tu atau tak sebab lepas Umi balik dari cuti nya seminggu di kampung, doktor found out that Umi ada infections pulak. Kami tak tahu. Mana lah nak nampak dengan mata kasar jangkitan penyakit dah hinggap kat Umi. Umi pun nampak ceria je, tak complain apa-apa so kami pun tak lah bersyak wasangka. The only thing we saw was, kaki Umi bengkak. Entahkan banyak berjalan, entahkan banyak makan banyak minum. Maybe the doctors kesiankan Umi yang dah 3 bulan di katil wad tu, depa tak pesan pun suruh pantang itu pantang ini. Tak ingatkan pun supaya jangan minum banyak minum sikit. So Umi pun raikan lah kepulangannya tu.

Anyway, disebabkan infections tu, doktor buat keputusan nak buat liver biopsy pulak. Nak cari punca kenapa kakinya bengkak, and kenapa some parts in her tummy had unnecessary fluid. Chemo ditangguhkan. Infections tu kena diubat dulu. So buatlah pulak liver biopsy. Nak tahu results untuk itu, kena tunggu a week or two...so bila orang tanya bila Umi nak start chemo, kami pun tak tahu nak bagi jawapan pendek. Kenalah explain chronologically. Panjang lah jadi ceritanya. Lama lah jadi sembangnya.

Masa bawak Umi untuk liver biopsy, i dapat tahu yang multiple myeloma Umi, dah 'progress' dari Stage Satu, ke Stage Dua. In less than 2 minggu! It's not the kinda of progress we would wanna hear definitely. In fact tak tercapai akal i kenapa it should be termed as 'progress' pun. Tapi ye lah, apa lah yang i tahu.

After liver biopsy kami ingatkan kena tunggu resultsnya dulu baru Umi akan dichemokan, tapi tak. Doktor nak proceed with chemo terus, tak payah tunggu apa-apa lagi. I think it's because 'progress' Umi tu lah. But still, apa lah yang i tahu.

So Monday lepas, as soon as the doctors confirmed the date, kami pun berhimpun lah di katil Umi. I wasn't sure if chemo ni a big thing sebenarnya or tidak but to us, yang big deal nya Umi. So we kinda 'celebrated' the day by crowding her bed and ever so often asking, Umi ok? Nervous tak Mi? Sure ni Umi ok?

I guess it was apparent that we were more nervous than she. Letih jugak la gamaknya Umi menjawab soalan yang sama ditanya every 5 minutes.

And finally, as it was not promised, the first chemo was successfully done at 5.20pm. Looking at the staffnurse yang handle the procedure tu, seriau jugak rasanya. She was all covered, pakai robe, pakai gloves, pakai mask. When she asked us to duduk jauh sikit pun, we had to stare at her face yang almost semuanya hilang di balik mask tu...tak sure apa dia nak. But we were allowed to watch, tak ada radioactive yang akan terpercik or terlepas. So we watched...keeping our distance.

How it looked like was just macam cucuk masuk air yang botol tergantung tepi katil tu je. Cumanya, botol chemo tu, berbungkus macam bungkus cempedak kat pangkal pokok with a purple plastic, not old newspaper. Tube air yang panjang tu pulak warna hitam so even when we tried looking thru it, we couldn't see macam mana rupa benda alah yang masuk dalam badan Umi tu.

During the whole process mata i lebih melekat pada Umi. I waited for any changes in her facial expressions or any audible-surpressed cries and I was so ready to feel what she felt. In fact ada masa-masa nya, i rasa i lebih merasa daripada Umi as if nya. And that eye-contact remained for at least 10 minutes before i heard Umi tanya...Tu je?

Hehe...tu 'je' Mi.

...dah lah dulu ya, sambung esok.

Dingin

2008-10-31T08:00:00.013+08:00

Dingin
Malam yang menyelubungi
Hening sayu dalam hati
Berbicara bersendirian

Kurasa resah
Selama dibuai rindu
Pada cinta yang terlalu
Terpendam di dalam hayalan

Kan kuleraikan impian indah
KepadaNya kuberserah
Mungkin tak daya
Kutawan cinta yang sama

Dinginnya getaran asmara
Sentuhan mula bermadah
Ku tak bisa juarai
Jiwa yang ku tak punya

Dinginnya bila kau berkata
Ruang buatku tiada
Memori ku genggamilah
Biarkan aku beralah

Dalam hatiku tiada dendam
Walau impian semalam
masih segar dalam ingatan
Kan kuleraikan impian indah
Kepadanya kuberserah
Mungkin tak daya
Kutawan cinta yang sama

Dinginnya getaran asmara
Sentuhan mula bermadah
Ku tak bisa juarai
Jiwa yang ku tak punya

Dinginnya bIla kau berkata
Ruang buatku tiada
Memoriku genggamilah
Biarkan aku beralah

Ziana Zain

Till Then

2008-10-29T17:06:00.008+08:00

In whatever way possible, i'm tired. I've been doing and feeling so much i don't know if there's anymore to this. And i'm worried. I'm worried if ithis goes on and i get to be so, so tired in every way possible, i wont feel anymore...of anything.

Everything.

Missing Me

2008-10-29T12:02:00.007+08:00

I don't quite remember when i came to be what i am. There were some missing years in my past that i pretended so hard to remember that i beat myself up even more for and still keep failing. And neither those old smudged photos, nor my younger blood could ever fill me in much.

I guess if i were a book, my earlier pages would have been a number of kinda...blank ones. They were not possibly skipped but they did seem to pass me by and i just never knew them. I wish i remember how fun it was waking up every morning and going to school or playing with friends if it was a weekend. I wish i remember how often i got to go shopping for toys or colouring books with Ummi and Abah. I wish i remember learning how to cook from Ummi maybe. I wish i remember how exciting it must have been if Abah ever took me out on his bicycle ride. I wish i remember when there weren't so many of us.

Selfishly, i wish i remember just me.

But i don't.

I remember the amount if laundry i had to do. I remember cooking for my siblings when Ummi was yet giving birth to another. I remember washing dishes in the small bathroom sitting on a stool because squatting was just too painful. And i remember more laundry, and more cooking and more washing dishes.

I remember very little. I remember that was all.

But i knew that was all i knew. I knew my siblings were my life. I knew i was darn good at house chores. I knew i was proud doing what i did. I knew i never complained.

And i knew i was never, never angry.

Not until now.

Because somehow, though i remember what made me, i don't remember me.

All I Ever Need...

2008-10-27T09:03:00.005+08:00

I know we need air to breathe and we need to breathe to go on living but if i ever get to choose what i cannot live without it would be a window. Please don't give me a room with no window or put me on a train with no window because i cant live not looking out of something and a window would be just right for me.

I really can live just standing by a window and looking out of it i can i know i can. Rain or shine just give me a window and i'd stay by it like my whole life is depending on it. My legs would get tired of standing and my eyes would get dry looking out but i can live then i know i can. Just give me a window that's all i ever need.

Everything else can wait, i know they can.

Ingkar

2008-10-23T13:50:00.003+08:00

Disaat cinta tercipta
Semestinya kumerasa
Dikala hasrat mandalam
Semestinya kuberbalas

Dari hati kini kusadari
Tak semestinya kuberkasih
Jika hati tak dapat berbagi
Baiknya rasa itu tersimpan dalam

Semestinya aku mencinta
Seharusnya aku menyayang
Oh maafkan jika semua ini yang kuberikan
Untukmu

Dari hati kini kusadari
Tak semestinya kuberkasih
Jika hati tak dapat berbagi
Baiknya rasa itu tersimpan dalam

Semestinya aku mencinta
Seharusnya aku menyayang
Oh maafkan jika semua ini yang kuberikan
Untukmu

Dari hati kini kusadari
Tak semestinya kuberkasih.

By - Bunga Citra Lestari

p/s: I swear i don't understand which heaven the song is about, but it sounds just right to me man.

And for once, i welcome any attempts at making this entry understandable to me. Go ahead.

I Could Be You

2008-10-21T16:16:00.008+08:00

The handsome doctor thought i was catching up on work sitting here next to Umi's bed typing away on my laptop. I pretended that i was. And when he came over just to say Hi to my sleeping Umi and to accidentally mention that he had not had his sleep coz he'd been on call since last night, I pretended to stop working and welcome his 15th attempt to break the broken ice.

Truth is, i've been playing the pretending game the whole actual day. Nope, nothing to do with the handsome doctor but i've been pretending not to notice how tired Umi looked today or how frustrating it was for her to know that the doctors have decided not to proceed with chemo until something called liver biopsy is done onto her. She has to be cleared of any infections before she can go through with Velcade and that might take days and days and Umi has just had enough. She clearly didn't like the sound of it because she took that same long empty look into that same nothingness i had been to just a day before.

I tried breaking that long look but it was too late. She got there before i could stop her. She got there while Ngah tried explaining to her of what was happening again, and again.

And when she finally took that nap she had repeatedly refused, i stopped all pretenses and took a long look at her.

In years to come, this could well be me. Sick and stubborn and strong and stubborn this could well be me. Haven't there been enough similarities and stubbornness and strengths and stubbornness between us that this could well be me?

And so i will fight with her stubbornness that is inside me that she too will fight for her life because after all of these, i will need her to be there for me to fight for my life because this could well be me.

With or without that handsome doctor.

Untraceable

2008-10-20T19:51:00.003+08:00

Other than that old squeaking shivering fan, what else keeps you awake at night? Would it be the same as the one that's leaving you staring into nothingness for hours on end? And that song that just stops you from breathing and floats you away? What's that all about?

Something is bothering me and i don't know who.

Knowing Me Knowing Her

2008-10-20T09:32:00.003+08:00

Last night, i realized that most of the things that i don't know about Umi, are all in her bag.

How Can I Not.

2008-10-19T18:53:00.003+08:00

How can i not exaggerate
when where i look
i see you
when when i breathe
i smell you
when when i touch
i feel you?

How can i not exaggerate
when every walk
leads to you
every talk
is of you
every word
mentions you?

How can i not exaggerate
when i love you?

Forget It

2008-10-16T10:40:00.004+08:00

I've always felt and said, to write well, is first to feel well. Not well healthily well, just well aware of the feelings we feel.

I haven't written much lately coz I haven't felt much lately. But either that or i have felt so so much that my own feelings numb me.

Either that or i just wanna dwell on the feelings on my own and let them be.

Either that or whatever i feel is un-write-able coz it's simply un-share-able. Either that or the world has come to an end, simply.

Or maybe, i haven't been writing lately coz i haven't been feeling like i wanna be psychologized by anyone who thinks they know how i feel.

Please, get real!

Laughter the Medicine

2008-10-10T13:42:00.004+08:00

I was waiting to see a doctor at the hospital this morning when this lady caught my attention. She was very ordinary compared to a few unhealthy looking mak datins around us. But i liked her.

As she was busy talking to a few ladies next to her, 2 girls came running and asked...

Lama lagi ke?

To which the lady seriously replied, ..."Lama lagi, mama kan sakit, mana boleh cepat-cepat,. Kalau cepat-cepat nanti doctor tak sempat nak check. Pegi cakap dengan ayah, esok mama balik..."

I almost choked trying not to laugh. Her husband must really understand her for her to even joke about it the way she did.

But as the girls disappeared again, i realized...the girls were not hers! They were actually asking their mother who was the other lady, sitting in front of her. The first lady was only answering on behalf of the other lady in front of her, apparently without much hesitance, nor guilt!

But i didnt care. I was entertained.

At another time i caught her saying...

Dulu..baju merah, tudung merah, beg merah, kasut merah... . Sekarang ni, bawak beg plastic isi buku ngaji pegi surau...tak kisah dah yang lain nya... .

I dont know if i'd get to that stage, to her stage and to what ever stages people seem to evolve into, but her jokes are true. Only those who know how true it is will find it funny. And those who think nothing of it, are in denial...hehe.

So you'd better laugh!

When Ending and Beginning Collide

2008-10-09T06:51:00.003+08:00

I have managed to run away from here, for awhile. I have managed to not writing just so i wouldn't have to confront myself. I have selfishly denied the truth when the truth is not even about me.

I have convinced her of what i know for a fact. I have prepared her loved ones for what's coming. I have done what anybody would have done.

But what i have done hasn't changed the one fact that i do not know any better. That the words i said were what i needed to hear. The ones i consoled were my own fear.

Fight lah Ummi, sehabis kudrat ke hujung nyawa. Then come back.

We're there, where ever you are.

p/s: Ummi is diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, a blood disorder cancer. Will undergo chemo and eventually blood transfusion. For now she's just happy to get to go home before the treatment episodes begin and continue for at least 12 weeks. Berkat doa semua, she's managing and coping very very well despite the new discovery, alhamdulillah.

Awal Syawal

2008-10-01T16:43:00.006+08:00

It's finally Eid. Selamat Hari Raya families, friends, fans (just to complete the F list, i know i have none)

It's been different, as expected. Abah and adik2 arrived noon yesterday, at Ngah's house, Uda and family came all the way from Jelebu to deliver lemang and ketupat and rendang...nyum, thanx a bunch sis. And so we had our last iftar together.

Then later we went to pick up our satay order at Samuri, did our last minute shopping at Tesco, puchased some Raya cookies at Plaza Metro and picked up a few more things from my place before we headed on home.

No cooking cooking other than some fried noodle i made for iftar. The rest was all ordered and fetched and delivered.

Came morning we got dressed, made ourselves up, packed a little of everything for our little picnic by Ummi's hospital bed, and off we went.

I was nervous truthfully. Couldn't predict how Ummi would be. Sad or quiet or possibly nothing of the sort or just plain happy. I brought her a pair of new blouse and pants just in case she felt like changing into something other than those loose blue top and sarung. And i didnt forget to bring her the bracelet i bought in Labuan recently. She loves jewelries.

On the way to HUKM we had to make a few stops still, so my lil bro and i were the last one to arrive. The first time i saw her when we got there, my worries vanished. She had already changed into a new baju kurung sewn by Kak Teh. She looked ready. And most importantly, she had a glow on her face and it took me some time to turn away. She had tears in her eyes oh yes they were there but she was glowing. We hugged. And this time i tried not to even think of anything or else i would end up crying like i always did on Eid. I couldn't cry then. She didnt wanna see us crying, i dont think.

She was happy. She introduced us to every doctor who was passing. That's Ummi. She knows everybody and everbody knows her. She's Ummi. One and only.

Then the picnic, by her bed. Makanlah kami seadanya di atas hamparan tikar brought from home. There were lemang, ketupat, rendang, satay and cookies delivered especially to Ummi's bed by Aunty Pet. We had a good time. No other patients were as celebrated as Ummi that early, that cheerfully, just her.

Then Ummi requested for my brothers to bertakbir a quiet takbir. So bergema lah seadanya, semahunya Ummi... and that's when she cried. I pretended not to see it. I didnt wanna feel it. I just let her be.

Ummi said she was happy. We could see that it's true.

But it's still quieter. It's still a different Eid.

Those Were The Days

2008-09-26T09:10:00.004+08:00

I remember when we were kids, Ngah and i. In our then big enough home for us, we welcomed Eid with quite an enthusiasm i must say. With Ummi being busy 'goyang kaki' (sewing our baju Raya sometimes 2 pairs each, red for me, blue for Ngah because there were only two of us then), we too were busy with our very own besen beating butter and sugar still with our very own two hands. Dah lenguh sebelah, tukar sebelah lagi. Nope, no mixer. Never thought of it. Never even knew it. There we sat by the kitchen door, facing a neighbour's house we called Tok Su.

We also had our own cookies that we were first assigned to, but later became our 'signature' as more Rayas passed. My favourite was Biskut Riben and Ngah's was Biskut Kelapa. I think at the time we almost memorized how to make them from Ummi's old recipe book which she copied here and there from everywhere.

Then came the kemas mengemas episodes. This included changing cushion covers and curtains and sapu-sapu inside the house and sapu-sapu outside the house. Ummi and Abah sometimes dyed the cushion covers instead of buying new ones every Raya so we got a few of the same designs, but in different colours and that was still fun to see back then. So for probably half of an afternoon we would witness upacara men-dye cushion covers also done at that kitchen door facing Tok Su's house.

I dont remember much what we did on Raya eves, but i do remember Ummi would make nasi impit dalam this pink loyang bertindihkan a pail of water which we'd have to be careful going in and out of the bathroom because by the bathroom door was where she usually placed the pail.

Sometimes there were pelitas around the house, i cant quite remember. Maybe because usually things yang berapi-api ni Ummi would not let us near, let alone 'handle'. If we didn't have pelitas then we'd have one for us to nyalakan our bunga apis that we circled and circled in the air because everyone else did the same.

Finally on the raya morning, we woke up early and i specifically was always excited to dress up and put on our best kept gold bracelets and rings and necklaces on because only on special occassion did we get to see those out of Ummi's old closet. And then for another half of the afternoons i'd walk around feeling like Mummy Jarum who was not yet born then.

Then we had our salam-salam. I used to drag this ritual honestly. Simply because during the salam-salam i'd be forced to think back of all the wrong doings and all the tak dengar katas and i'd usually cry.

I dont know now if i miss those days but i do have this longing feeling going back there in my head. I miss the carefree-ness back then. I miss the simplicity of life even though i didnt know any better at the time.

Now with Ummi in her hospital bed, i definitely miss her in my Eid picture.

Enough

2008-09-25T00:36:00.003+08:00

Once upon a time i really believed 'yang baik mesti dibalas baik'. It was like the sifir i memorized, no doubts, no mistakes. For a long while, i stuck myself to it believing with all my might, fearing that if i let it go, i'd fall greater than any Humpty Dumpty on any great walls.

But as many years have passed, i've realized that i've been so rightfully wrong. There is no such a thing. I cant sit and pray to be treated nicely just because that's what i do. I cant expect a You're welcome, to my Thank you.

I have learnt that if i were to be kind, it would be my gambled choice, period. I shouldn't wait for a You're Welcome or I Love You Too. I shouldn't.

So i'll just do my kind business and stop. Stop waiting, stop expecting, stop anticipating.

Just stop.

Dendang Perantau

2008-09-17T11:21:00.004+08:00

This Syawal is going to be different for me. I'm not going home. There's no balik kampung this time. I wont be listening to those nostalgic Raya songs or getting melancholic reminiscing my childhood Raya years while driving through Karak highway this year.

In fact it's going to be different for all of us, my family and i.

And going home is not the only thing we wont have to do this Syawal. Langsir tak payah tukar. Bilik tak payah kemas. Pelita tak payah pasang. Daging/ayam tak payah tempah and periuk belanga + pinggan mangkuk can just stay where they are.

If doctors wont let Ummi leave her hospital bed for even one afternoon on Eid, we'll just have to celebrate Raya as meriah as we possibly can with her there.

Where ever she is, that's our home now.

My Achy Breaky Me

2008-09-14T20:24:00.005+08:00

Thanks to my my sister's cannot-decline request, we had iftar at my place yesterday. But of course makan-makan such as that does not just come into being with a blink of an eye or a doa round the table. And in my case, it apparently came with a whole aching body the next morning.

That's because a few hours before iftar, i took my very little time preparing dishes for 3 families. I love doing it, no i am not complaining but you see, i'm single. So that should go without my having to spell it out to you, how i dont do that very often. I normally cook for one, and eat for half.

And a few hours before locking myself in my door-less kitchen i did my bachelor shopping - shopping for extra groceries specifically when i'm expecting guests. And boy i went round and round the supermarket hoping and praying that i would see and buy one of those grocery trolleys so i wouldn't have to do numbers of elevator-climbs up to my penthouse unit carrying 20 bags?

I didn't spot one. Two salesgirls whom i interrupted their chitty-chatty pointed to me where i could find the trolleys but unless they thought i could see dead people, i saw no trolleys.

So after the shopping and before the cooking, i had to do what i was hoping i didn't have to do. Elevator climbs. With at least 10 shopping bags in both hands, i fought my way through to my locked front door. Yes i fought my way through. It wasn't easy to even reach the elevator door because my steps were made difficult by the almost-10 bags i was carrying. And to press the button once i was IN the elevator?

Don't even get me started.

Before reaching my still locked front door i literally had to drag myself, - and of course, the almost 10 bags. I really wished i was Mrs. Incredible then. I wish i could first unlock my locked door and then, only then i reached for my almost-10 bags from my car parked 10 storeys down.

Anyway, before i was wishing that i was Mrs. Incredible, i was at HUKM, doing my routine check up on my mom. And she wanted me to bring home some stuff next to her bed. And so i did. It's just that, some stuff consisted of one bag weighing almost 10 kilos if i may exaggerate, and another paper bag weighing more than a paper. Those bags were nothing until i got to the part where i had to go down 24 steps to get to my car. Even though the almost -10kg bag had wheels on it, they sure meant nothing then.

And before i even got to HUKM, that was when i planned my day. That was when i moved so swiftly you wouldn't notice me passing.

So we had iftar at my house yesterday. It went so well nothing went wrong.

But what's wrong is today, my body is aching all over and i mean ALL over, so i'm humbly admitting again, that i am not as young as i have been thinking lately...

Potluck anyone?

Well?

2008-09-09T22:12:00.002+08:00

Have you had a game, that you know is dangerous, but you played anyway? And then you hurt, and got hurt, expectedly.

And after all said and done, you'd do it all over again.

Have you?

I Hate-Men Day

2008-09-05T09:27:00.004+08:00

Tak tahu lah kalau sebenarnya dah lama, but especially lately ni, bagai nak di-rub-rub in the hopelessness nya men ni. Tak brother-in-law, my own brothers pun bukan main lagi naik lemaknya.

Itu belum my friends' husbands or my friends' brothers or brothers-in-law or their male friends yang layan sesape je yang melintas!

As if there was a hurricane or torpedo that's hitting only the males and that it's making them like melatah of some sort. Semua nak jadi teenagers! Yang muda belia kemaruk nak show off apa yang tak ada, yang tak berapa muda gian pasang awek sampai lupa nama, and yang tua sibuk nak bercinta macam yang muda belia walau dah ada anak dua tiga.

Yes this is Ramadhan i shouldn't be so loud. But those men sama je Ramadhan ke Zulkaedah nya?

I just hate men today.

Hope it doesn't last till tomorrow.

p/s: This is not a confession, so i don't need consolation. Whatever rationale you wanna give, don't.

Warwick Avenue

2008-09-04T09:23:00.007+08:00

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Meet me by the entrance of the tube
We can talk things over a little time
Promise me you wont step outta line

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Please drop the past and be true
Don’t think we’re okay
Just because I’m here
You hurt me bad but I wont shed a tear

I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
I’ve been confused
Outta my mind lately
You think you’re loving,
But I want to be free,
Baby you’ve hurt me.

When I get to Warwick Avenue
We’ll spend an hour but no more than two
Our only chance to speak once more
I showed you the answers, now here’s the door

When I get to Warwick Avenue
I’ll tell you baby that we’re through

I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
I’ve been confused
Outta my mind lately
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
I want to be free,
Baby you’ve hurt me.

All the days spent together
I wish for better,
But I didn’t want the train to come
Now it’s departed, I’m broken hearted
Seems like we never started
All those days spent together
When I wish for better
And I didn’t want the train to come.

You think you’re loving
But you don’t love me
I want to be free,
Baby you’ve hurt me
You don’t love me
I want to be free
Baby you’ve hurt me.

Duffy

p/s: - Will upload the video clip soon.

<.P

Ring Ring!

2008-09-02T09:20:00.003+08:00

I have two rings, that i wear on each hand, both on my ring fingers. But two days ago i felt like moving one to the other hand, so now i'm wearing two rings on only one hand. One stays on my ring finger, the other on my middle. One hand, is ring-less.

Why?

No specific reason.

It's just that now, whenever my ring-less hand is in sight, i'll pause and stare.

Why?

Because i've never seen it like that before...and it's not that bad.

He he.

The Blower's Daughter

2008-08-31T12:15:00.004+08:00

Honestly, i don't know what or who the heaven Blower's Daughter is but this song just gets to me...it does, to the very end.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time

And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...

'Til I find somebody new... .

Serendipity Part 2

2008-08-31T11:27:00.003+08:00

What were the chances of my answering a friend's question last night, without my knowing dia bertanya?

Serendipity lagi?

Serendipity

2008-08-30T10:35:00.004+08:00

Sometimes i notice, in the midst of looking for something, i find something else. So...should i be looking for something else in order to find that something?

Or...should i just stick to that something else?

Hmm... .

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

2008-08-24T23:49:00.003+08:00

Recently i have come to a realization that for some unnecessary distractions, my horizon needs expansion.

Translation: I need more friends.

No no no, i'm not bored with the ones i do have, i just need to take one step back, to move two steps forward.

Isn't that what they say?

Matahariku

2008-08-14T22:26:00.005+08:00

Tertutup sudah pintu, pintu hatiku
Yang pernah dibuka waktu hanya untuk mu
Kini kau pergi dari hidupku
Kuharus relakanmu walau aku tak mahu.

Berjuta warna pelangi di dalam hati
Sejenak luluh bergeming menjauh pergi
Tak ada lagi cahaya suci
Semua nada beranjak aku terdiam sepi.

Dengar lah matahari ku
Suara tangisanku
Kubersedih kerna panah
Cinta menusuk jantungku.

Ucapkan matahariku
Puisi tentang hidupku
Tentangku yang tak mampu menaklukkan waktu.

Agnes Monica

She's Back

2008-08-12T09:53:00.002+08:00

After all that we've gone through, the fear, the shock, the un-readiness, Umi is finally working her way to recovery. It's a long long way, but at least now she has started that journey.

It's just that we haven't had the courage nor the heart to tell her that, that long-recovery journey translates to at least 6 more weeks in that bed. 6 more weeks after 1 week in Surgical Ward, 1 week in Medical Ward, 1 week in ICU, 1 day in High Dependency Ward, and now back to Medical Ward.

We just cannot have the heart when every single day, she thinks she is going home.

My tiredness is nowhere near her constant struggle for life.

Who am i to compare sacrifices.

Bengap

2008-07-29T21:17:00.002+08:00

I am so easily pissed-bengang-bengong-tak-faham WHY in heaven's name would ANYONE menidakkan apa yang ORANG LAIN rasa?

Lu sape?

It's Time

2008-07-20T10:12:00.008+08:00

A few times ago, i imagined taking care of my not-so-healthy mom. I imagined that i was strong. I imagined that there were no emotions because back then, when i was having all these imaginations, she was as healthy as any moms should be.

A few nights ago, my imagination turned partial-reality. Ummi got really sick. She was so sick that i didn't see her fighting whatever diseases that were taking over her body. She looked like she was giving up. And her not fighting made ME sick, with anger.

I cannot NOT have emotions.

I am not used to changing her diapers or feeding her and nag about energy. I am not prepared to toilet-train her and i don't know the best way to tell her to exercise without making her feel sicker than she already is.

Sometimes i think i am in denial.

Is it not the right way to feel?

What's in 100 Names

2008-07-18T12:05:00.003+08:00

Because i have at least 4 classes or 100 students each semester, i have difficulty remembering their names. And because i hate calling them by the colour of their hair, i have to remember their names.

But before i can remember their names, i tell them to tell me how.

Because they have to tell me how, i can remember everyone's name by the end of the first class.

But if i can't, it certainly ain't my fault.