I've learned that i cant go visit Umi at the hospital early in the morning before i go to work. I cant see her and then leave for my classes. I can go in the afternoon, after my 2pm class or even later in the day say at 4, or 5, that i can. I can go at any other time twice a day or more and stay till 7pm because that's when visiting hours end unless the nurses let us stay longer which they usually do. But i cant go and see her before i've done everything else i wanna do at work or in class or else i cant do anything.
I'm not talking about capability or convenience, or even time. I'm not talking about my Pengarah or his Timbalan or my other Ketua Bidang and Ketua Kursus who fail to understand because they really do understand to a point where they can do it better than i can sometimes...no, it's not them.
I'm talking about me. I'm talking about my inability to stay as positive as the status i put on Facebook if i go see her before i do anything else.
I'm admitting that i cant do it. I cant start my day seeing her different from the way i'm used to. I cant take it if she doesn't feel my grip on her hand and then off i go for my meeting.
And please, don't tell me to be strong as if yours is the only brain who's ever thought of it and besides, if what i am or what i am not or what i do or don't do right now is not strong, i don't think even you know what that is.