Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I Could Be You

The handsome doctor thought i was catching up on work sitting here next to Umi's bed typing away on my laptop. I pretended that i was. And when he came over just to say Hi to my sleeping Umi and to accidentally mention that he had not had his sleep coz he'd been on call since last night, I pretended to stop working and welcome his 15th attempt to break the broken ice.

Truth is, i've been playing the pretending game the whole actual day. Nope, nothing to do with the handsome doctor but i've been pretending not to notice how tired Umi looked today or how frustrating it was for her to know that the doctors have decided not to proceed with chemo until something called liver biopsy is done onto her. She has to be cleared of any infections before she can go through with Velcade and that might take days and days and Umi has just had enough. She clearly didn't like the sound of it because she took that same long empty look into that same nothingness i had been to just a day before.

I tried breaking that long look but it was too late. She got there before i could stop her. She got there while Ngah tried explaining to her of what was happening again, and again.

And when she finally took that nap she had repeatedly refused, i stopped all pretenses and took a long look at her.

In years to come, this could well be me. Sick and stubborn and strong and stubborn this could well be me. Haven't there been enough similarities and stubbornness and strengths and stubbornness between us that this could well be me?

And so i will fight with her stubbornness that is inside me that she too will fight for her life because after all of these, i will need her to be there for me to fight for my life because this could well be me.

With or without that handsome doctor.


Enida said...

I was there and you said it as it was. I am here, and you say it as it has been and as it is. Just like that something who has been 'bothering' you...you are your words. Just.

Effa Mas said...

And you heard it, just as it is...and more. :)